Extreme Rules is less than 24 hours away, and I’ll be honest: I’m not excited. I hate anything that has “extreme” or “hardcore” in it, and that includes porn. I’m not saying I like softcore porn, either. What I like is normal, regular, well made porn. But the porn industry has it in their minds that by slapping the word “hardcore” on it and adding a weird choking scene, their porn is edgier and more consumable. I’m pretty sure the WWE see’s their product the same way.
Extreme Rules is stupid. In every way, shape, and form. This PPV SHOULDN’T BE HAPPENING. In case nobody remembers, WRESTLEMANIA WAS 4 WEEKS AGO! I’m typing in caps BECAUSE IT EXEMPLIFIES MY FRUSTRATION.
I get it: the WWE is a bunch of money-grubbing whores. That’s why this PPV is taking place, and that’s why Brock Lesnar and John Cena are headlining the show now instead of waiting til Summer Slam, which would allow for the best possible match and feud. Of course, the WWE doesn’t have any major competition in the wrestling industry, and thus, plays everything safe. By safe I mean “cramming everything down our throats and trying to force us into spending money instead of surreptitiously getting us to want to spend our money on their product.” There’s a difference, too. With a billion PPV’s every year and two supposed rosters, the WWE is trying to force us into keeping up with their product. If they slimmed the PPV schedule down and focused on long-term feuds, fans would be more interested and attached to the characters, which makes them want to spend money. But that’s a discussion for an entirely different post.
Pre-show: Santino Marella (c) vs. The Miz (US Championship)
Who will win: Santino’s going to take this one. It’s a pre-show match and the company is sending a message to The Miz: you can very easily go from main eventing Wrestlemania to a pre-show job in a year.
Who should win: Santino should retain, if only because he’s filled his character out perfectly and he’s a worthy champion. The guy’s entertaining to watch, very charismatic, sells merchandise, engages children, and anchors the mid-card well. He can interact with all the guest hosts, hold his own in a real feud, or just be filler. The guy’s versatile. Nobody else in the company really deserves the US title, anyways. Until someone really jumps out and takes it from him, Santino should keep the title.
Nikki Bella (c) vs. Beth Phoenix (Diva’s Championship)
Who will win: I’m guessing this will be a DQ, with Kharma coming back and squashing (literally) the Bella’s. The Bella’s will end up leaving (their contract is up) and lead to a Beth Phoenix/Kharma feud.
Who should win: Interestingly enough, the WWE will probably play this one perfectly. But as I said earlier this week, nobody will watch because nobody cares about women’s wrestling!
Big Show (c) vs. Cody Rhodes (IC championship) (stipulation yet to be determined
Who will win: Big Show’s been getting the one up on Cody ever since Wrestlemania. They’ve also been testing out the team of Big Show/Great Khali, which will probably lead to a stupid team like “The Great Big Show.” I think Big Show got his rub at Wrestlemania, where he wasn’t very successful, and has enjoyed a good month. Unless they really want to him over, Cody Rhodes should take the win.
Who should win: Cody shouldn’t have dropped the title to begin with. I’m not sure if Cody has the ability to ever main event, even during dull stretches, but the guy’s definitely good enough to anchor a mid-card. That’s the thing that the WWE doesn’t really seem to understand: the mid-card is how you create lifelong fans who will keep coming back to your product. But the entire mid-card scene is a colossal clusterfuck. Instead, they should use it as a way to push guys like Santino and develop guys like Cody Rhodes. Rhodes shouldn’t lose to guys like The Big Show, a guy who can’t work and nobody really cares about anymore. He should hold on to the IC title for a while and gain some credibility.
Randy Orton vs. Kane (Falls Count Anywhere match)
Who will win: I don’t see Orton losing this match. I also don’t see this feud going on any longer. Orton will get the win, especially after losing to Kane at Wrestlemania.
Who should win: Orton should win. He also probably shouldn’t be in this match. I think Orton’s entirely overrated and misused: this “Viper” thing is fucking stupid. No homo, but Orton is entirely too pretty to be acting like some psychopath. He should be exactly what he was in Evolution and Legacy: a spoiled punk heel who has to get his way. That’s the best Orton there is.
CM Punk (c) vs. Chris Jericho (WWE Championship) (Chicago Street Fight)
Who will win: This one’s a toss-up. It could very well go either way. Punk’s the champion and in his home town, and Jericho’s been embarrassing him for the past month. But in order for the feud to continue, Jericho needs to win. I think Punk gets the win and ends the feud here, though.
Who should win: Punk. Punk shouldn’t be resorting to such a horribly shitty, tasteless, tacky feud. Both of these guys have NOT delivered for this feud, but the fans love it. You know why they love it? Because smarks are too loyal to Punk and Jericho, to the point that neither can do no wrong. I don’t think either of these guys are bad. In fact, their Wrestlemania match SHOULD have been on par with Savage/Steamboat. This feud could have been perfect if they played their cards right. In fact, it could have lasted til Summer Slam or even further. But the WWE is lazy, and these guys let it happen. Punk should get the win, rejoice with his family, and move on to a feud with a heel Orton.
Sheamus (c) vs. Daniel Bryan (2-out-of-3 Falls match) (World Heavyweight Championship)
Who will win: I can’t see Sheamus losing the title this quickly, no matter how hard the fans root for Bryan. Sheamus will undoubtedly go on to face Alberto Del Rio, and blah blah blah.
Who should win: Daniel Bryan should have never lost the title, but I see why he did, and especially so quickly at Wrestlemania. Feeding off the energy of the crowd, Bryan lost his title in 8 seconds or something, and his popularity has never been higher. ADR should interfere in the match and Bryan should get the win. In return, there should be a three-way feud between these guys, even though that never fucking happens anymore for whatever reason.
Brock Lesnar vs. John Cena (Extreme Rules match)
Who will win: There’s no way Lesnar loses this match.
Who should win: Lesnar should win. And after he wins, Cena should take some time away from TV. Lesnar should, per his list of demands, take over Raw to the point where he, Lauranaitis, and Otunga run the show in an Orwellian dictatorship, and then it goes so far that Lauranaitis can’t even control Lesnar, and Lesnar just ruins the product. It’s hell to be on Raw, except nobody can beat Lesnar. Then, for Summer Slam, Cena returns and faces Lesnar to restore the normal balance of things. Actually, they should stretch this out to next year’s Wrestlemania. But alas, Cena overcomes all his insecurities that stem from his feud with The Rock, and finds his confidence and mojo. That’s how it should be done.